new year, new me (for real this time)
(I realize this is a late New Years post.... sue me)
I woke up this morning and thought to myself:
“Here we are. The last day of the shittiest year ever. One more day.”
I’ve been thinking about that thought ever since.
Typically, on New Year’s Eve, I make unrealistic goals for myself that I never ever follow through with. I brush the surface of what I want. OR – I make the same resolutions as almost everyone else on this planet. I’ve never sat here on NYE and actually reflected on the past year. Reflected on WHY I think it was so shitty. If I look at 2018 as a year, not as 365 individual days, it truly was the hardest, most frustrating, and “worst” years of my life. Today I am making myself look at it as 365 days. Some days were hard, I didn’t even get out of bed. Other days I woke up early, went to the gym and ate balanced meals all day. I can sit here and focus on the negative of 2018 – and hand in hand glorify what could happen in 2019. Or I can choose to look at all aspects of 2018, both good and bad, and use what I’ve learned to continue my healing into the New Year. One thing in common with all the days of 2018 – growth.
This year, I’ve battled things that I never thought I’d have to. I overcame so much and at the same time dug myself into a deeper hole. I’ve lost friends, and I’ve made friends. I cut myself off from a lot of people. I thought of myself as a burden instead of a human being.
Parts of me feel like in 2018 I lost myself. The other part of me (the optimistic part) feels like I let go of all the parts of me that I no longer really wanted to be. I think that in order to not go crazy, I need to think with that optimistic part of who I am.
Right now, there is nothing standing in the way between me and my happiness. The only thing that can hinder that, is me. This year, I am going to find out what I love. I am going to try new things and make a decision for MYSELF if I like that thing, or if I don’t. This may seem simple, but for me it’s very new. As much as I liked to think of myself as a leader growing up, now it seems that I am more comfortable conforming and being a follower. Truly, I don’t think that’s who I am. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence, I lost the ability to say “Hey, I don’t want to do that, I want to do this instead and I don’t need you to do it with me.” That’s a really scary thing when I think about it. If I can’t make decisions for myself, then what am I doing?
This year, I will be healthy. I say this every year, but I’ve never been in such a real, raw place regarding my health. It’s important. I don’t want to feel weak. I don’t want to be cold every second of the fucking day anymore. Of course this is going to take work every single day, but I am so confident that I will get there. I’m so motivated to get through this. For me, and for my family, and for everyone I’ve talked to that have their own stories. And for my friends, I miss you guys. And my relationship with my boyfriend, I’m so lucky to have his support.
All I know is as long as I keep the focus on myself, and work towards my own goals, confidence and happiness will come. I just need to be true to myself and with myself about what I want, what is working and what isn’t, and learn to let go of things that are no longer the best for me.
Cheers to you, 2019. I think you’re officially my bitch.